Hello. It is Ayomide Akintunde here. I have just been
enthroned as the bishop of Benin City.
I remember you from your time in church house in the 1980s.
I remember you mother was Irish. No, she was Scotch. Like
the whisky?
In Africa we are very much liking the Irishman because he is
making the black beer for the black man. Tell me David have
you ever tasted Guinness? Are you still having a problem with
the Paddies?
In Nigeria the Muslims are the bad boys. You are having a
problems with the Muslims in England.
I am coming to England, and I hope we can meet.
Do you accept the Lord as your personal saviour?
Then I embrace you as my brother in Christ Jesus.
Let’s meet for tea at the Randolph Hotel. I am on expenses I
will pay. I will pick up the tab.
David, I want you to come out to Nigeria to lead a moral
crusade against sodomy.
David how many children you have? David, you have no
children. Does not the good book so go forth be fruitful and
multiply?
How old is your wife. David you are not married. This is not
good.
I will set you up with my cousin. We are very wearied she be
left on the shelf because now she is 12 years old.
Me and my goodwife Winnifred are a fecund couple. The
almighty in his infinite wisdom has seen fit to bless us with a
brood of a baker’s dozen of children. We shall be happy to
accept as many children as the good lord shall see fit to
bestow upon us.
We have two eldest girls who are of marriageable age
Chastity and Virginity. We got the other girls Gertrude,
Patience, Dorothy, Charity, Verity and Prudence.
We got a few boys: the eldest are Israel and then there is
Englishman. We got the little ones Methusaleh, Jehoshaphat,
Shadrach, and Josiah.
I take the 5th commandment very seriously. Thou shalt not
commit adultery. A man and his wife are one flesh. I never
ever cheat on my wife or on my mistress.
As a good Christian man I have to have concubines because
King David the Prince of Divines had hundreds of concubines.
He was the psalmist.
I know you said you are a good friend of Mrs. Queen. I want
you to tell Mrs. Queen that we in Nigeria are absolutely loyal
to Her Britannic Majesty.
Next time you meet Her Gracious Majesty, please assure her
of my personal allegiance to her most exalted person. I saw
the footage of her coronation in Westminster Abbey. I saw
her take the coronation on the holy Bible to uphold the
Christian faith and to defend the protestant settlement of the
church of England.
Mrs. Queen is the lord’s anointed. We believe in the divine
right of kings.
All the paramount chiefs of Nigeria swore the oath of
allegiance to Her Majesty. They swore on the Holy Bible.
Therefore, that is binding forever. I do not believe in the
REPUBLIC of Nigeria it is a bastard state. I believe in the
Crown Colony of Nigeria.
David next time Mrs. Queen visits you at home please ask her
to send us a new governor general to Nigeria. We want a
white man and not a Pakistani. I am working for the
restoration of colonial rule in British Africa.
I am in the Anglican Church of Nigeria. We are in full
communion with the church of England. We are represented
at the Lambeth palace conference. But tell me David why you
let the poofters in? In Nigeria we allow no poofters? Why are
you allowing sodomite marriage. It is unbiblical. The bible is
the word of God. I believe in it literally every single word. I
believe in verbal inerrancy.
David you will come to Nigeria.
I want you to join my new evangelistic mission. It is called
towers of praise.
David, I know you are a good orator. I saw you debate at the
Cambridges Union.
David you will live the life of a 19 th century vicar. You will be
driver around by a chauffeur in a Bentley. You will live in an
8-bedroom vicarage, you are prince of the church. You must
be treated as befits the dignity of a man of the cloth.
The aims of the towers of praise mission are twofold;
To love and serve our lord and saviour.
The acquisition of property in Nigeria and overseas
There is a vast amount of money to be made in the service of
the lord!
When the three kings came to Baby Jesus to shown they
loved him they brought him gold. If you love Jesus then bring
me gold.
David what you are doing now in your career, are you a
bishop yet?
Oh you retired on health grounds at the age of 41 and you
want to come out to west Africa – the white man’s grave?
David my other role is witchfinder general of Nigeria. There
are an awful lot of sorcerers around these days. That is why I
go witch hunting. We smell them out. For some reason the
witches are always the socially marginalised groups. They are
demented old women or street children. They seem very
witchy to me.