Monosyllabic answers are almost never right. Give answer plus one. That is to say supply the information requested and then a little bit more. In the case of the question being:

”Do you have any siblings?”

”Yes” is not enough. Say, ”Yes, I do. I have two sisters both younger than me.”

Below are some imaginary answers. Adapt as necessary. The aim is to come across as a polite, intelligent, well-spoken, truthful and eloquent person.

Candidates need to present themselves well by speaking at the right pace and volume while maintaining eye contact. Eye contact does not mean a death stare! Glancing away to think for a moment is entirely acceptable.

The answers below are not ‘right’ as such. The right answer must be the honest one. The idea is to present oneself in a positive manner by speaking grammatically and giving the right amount of detail.

Some of the following questions overlap. If they ask ‘What sports do you like’ the interviews will probably not need to follow up with ‘Tell me about your sporting achievements.’

==============

SMALL TALK

Hello, How are you?

I am very well thank you and how are you?

—————-

How was your flight?

It was fine – the airline was pretty good. 

——————

Which hotel are you staying at?

I am staying at —- and it is quite comfortable. I am happy with it.

============

BACKGROUND.

Where are you from?

I am from city, country. It is in the south of the country. 

——————

What are your parents’ jobs?

My mother is an architect and my father is a bank manager.

——————

How is your country different from this one?

Well there are some cultural differences such as our food is quite different. We are much more respectful to old people. I like the way lessons are more fun here. 

——————–

What is school like in your country?

In some ways it is quite different. We do a lot more Mathematics. We have to remember things a lot more and not explain things so much.

———————–

Where do you go to school?

I go to Ludgrove School, it in Berkshire. 

——————-

Do you have any sisters or brothers?

No, I am an only child but I am close to my cousins.

—————-

Might any of your siblings join us here at this school one day?

Well, I do not have siblings but my cousin might come here if I do. She is asking about the school. 

======================

ADMISSIONS TESTS

Which  subjects did you do in the admissions tests?

I did Non-Verbal Reasoning, Verbal Reasoning, English and Maths.

———————-

How did they go?

English went very well. It was a fun paper. Non-Verbal Reasoning was fine too: I finished early and then went back to check my answers. Verbal Reasoning was not as easy but I got through it. Maths was a little bit hard.

———————-

You have some admissions tests coming up. How do you feel about them?

I am taking them seriously but I am not worried.

======================

EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

What three words best describe you?

Hardworking, polite and well-behaved.

————

Are you musical?

Yes, I play the piano. I am grade 3 right now and I want to do more grades.

———————-

Do you like acting?

No, not really. I do Drama at my current school but I am not great at it.

——————–

What sports do you like?

I like to play rugby and I like rowing. I am scrum captain. Rugby is really fun and we won most of our matches. 

—————–

Tell me about your sporting achievements?

Yes, sure. I am scrum captain of the rugby team. We beat our rival school 78-0. I scored two tries in that match. 

—————–

What are your hobbies?

I am a voracious reader. I write stories for pleasure. I like to go camping with my family. I adore swimming in the sea. I go cycling every day. 

—————-

What do you do in your free time?

I like to read fiction. I also write some stories of my own. I like to cycle. I like to swim and socialise. I go camping with my family sometimes.

—————-

Which instruments would you like to play here?

I already play the piano but I am not that good at it. I might try the violin. 

—————

What grade are you in those instruments?

I am third grade in the violin and I have been learning it for 3 years. 

————-

Would you want to join the choir?

I would like to try, yes. 

===================

THE SCHOOL

Why do you want to come to this school?

Because this school is such an old and famous school. So many famous people have been here [names]. The teachers are fantastic and the school gets outstanding exam results. The school will give me a good chance to go to an excellent university.  The ancient buildings are beautiful and the school has got a fantastic location. That means you play a lot of matches against other schools and we can go to the theatre a lot. There is a fantastic theatre here. I know you have a half Olympic size swimming pool and amazing sports facilities. You play sports here every day. There is a brilliant orchestra and choir. Some of my friends from my school came here. I met one of your teachers last year when she gave a talk at my school and she was a very nice woman. You have a huge library and a great IT room. The school is quite international and I can make friends with people from all sorts of countries. The boarding houses are really comfortable. It is a very friendly atmosphere.

—————-

What are your favourite subjects?

 I like English and French the most. I see how the two languages help each other. 

——————

Which subjects do you find difficult?

I am not that good at Science. 

————–

What are you doing to improve in those subjects?

I take extra time over my homework. My parents have got me a tutor who comes once a week. I sometimes ask my class teacher for more guidance.

====================

CURRENT SCHOOL AND ATTITUDES?

Are you well behaved?

Yes, certainly. I always obey the rules.

—————-

Have you ever been suspended or punished?

No, never. My behaviour is excellent. 

—————-

How should pupils behave towards teachers?

Pupils should be very respectful. I am like that. I always obey teachers. Pupils must always do their homework on time and pay attention in lessons. 

——————-

Can you recognise when you have done wrong and apologise?

Yes, sure. Sometimes I am wrong and I admit it. I say sorry. 

—————–

How good are you about doing your homework?

I am pretty good at it. I almost always do it on time.

——————-

Do you like your present school? Why or why not?

 Yes, it is quite good. The teachers are mostly very good. There are lots of sports to play. But I am ready to move on to a bigger school with more things to do. 

=======================

MOVING ON TO A NEW SCHOOL

How do you feel about boarding?

I feel positive about it. It will help me mature and make really close friends. There are also more activities at boarding schools. 

————–

This school has a Christian ethos and you must attend chapel. How do you feel about that?

Yes, that is fine. Even though I am not  from a Christian family I do not mind attending chapel at all. I like the music and its educational.

—————

Do you know any pupils already in our school?

Yes, a few people who left my school last year are already there. They say it is a tremendous school.

——————

What do you know about this school?

It was founded in 1820 by Mr Baird. It is well known and some politicians and writers went here. It gets terrific exam results. There is a ski trip every Christmas. The school is really keen on Music. 

——————-

Might you want to join the CCF?

Yes, I would. It seems really fun. I want to see what the army is like.

————

How would you feel about being the only one of your nationality here?

I really like the fact that there are lots of nationalities here. I am a global citizen. 

—————–

This school is very international. Do you like that?

Yes, I do. I have been to a few other countries. I really like meeting people from other countries. 

————–

Which other schools might you apply to?

I will apply to Harrow, Uppingham and Caterham.

————

Are we your first choice?

Yes, you are my top choice!

—————

If you do not get in where will you go?

Probably I will go to Uppingham.

—————-

This is a mixed school – how do you feel about that?

I like that. It is more human. It is good to socialise with boys and girls. It prepares people for adult life. 

————–

This is a single sex school: how do you feel about that?

It is good because there is less distraction. People are freer to be themselves and not worry about what the opposite sex thinks.

——————-

Do you have any questions for me?

Yes, I do. Would it be possible to play rugby and football in the autumn term or do I pick just one?

==========================

LONG TERM FUTURE.

What do you want to do after you finish school?

I want to go on to university and study maybe English or French. I really love learning and I know that I need a degree so I can get an enjoyable and well paid job. 

——————-

What job do you want to do?

 I am not sure. It is so far away. Perhaps become a journalist but I would need to do an internship first.

=============================

CHALLENGING QUESTIONS

Who is the best teacher you have ever had?

The best teacher I ever had was Miss Jordan. She taught us English. She was very fun and really inspiring. We all liked and respected her so there was no misbehaviour. She taught me more in one week than someone else taught me in one year. Miss Jordan had a very clear way of explaining things. 

What is Brexit?

Brexit means British exit. It is about the UK leaving the European Union. Britain voted to leave in a referendum but almost half the country is against it. It might be bad for the economy but it is too early to be sure. 

What do you think of Donald Trump?

Donald Trump is a very controversial politician. He was President of the United States and he set a bad example by being rude to people and lying a lot. Some people adore him and at least he did not start any wars. 

Should we abolish homework?

No, we need to do some independent study. Plus there is not enough time to do everything in school. Sometimes we need to memorise vocabulary lists or write up science experiments and it is better to do that at home. 

If could change one thing about your school what would it be?

My school is fabulous but we could do with a larger swimming pool. So if I had enough money I would build that. It would also be brilliant if we could learn Chinese because that is a language that is becoming increasingly important. 

Tell me an interesting fact that you learnt recently?

My teacher just told us that Charles Dickens was the most popular writer in the world in his lifetime. It is surprising because Dickens’ novels are really hard to read.

Is it right for parents to select the sex of their baby?

No, it would be wrong. People should accept  their baby no matter what the sex. Girls are just as good as boys. 

If you could invent a machine what would it be able to do?

I would invent a machine that would make me be able to bring back people from the dead. I really miss my great grandmother. I would love to be with her again.

Monosyllabic answers are almost never right. Give answer plus one. That is to say supply the information requested and then a little bit more. In the case of the question being:

”Do you have any siblings?”

”Yes” is not enough. Say, ”Yes, I do. I have two sisters both younger than me.”

Below are some imaginary answers. Adapt as necessary. The aim is to come across as a polite, intelligent, well-spoken, truthful and eloquent person.

Candidates need to present themselves well by speaking at the right pace and volume while maintaining eye contact. Eye contact does not mean a death stare! Glancing away to think for a moment is entirely acceptable.

The answers below are not ‘right’ as such. The right answer must be the honest one. The idea is to present oneself in a positive manner by speaking grammatically and giving the right amount of detail.

Some of the following questions overlap. If they ask ‘What sports do you like’ the interviews will probably not need to follow up with ‘Tell me about your sporting achievements.’

==============

SMALL TALK

Hello, How are you?

I am very well thank you and how are you?

—————-

How was your flight?

It was fine – the airline was pretty good. 

——————

Which hotel are you staying at?

I am staying at —- and it is quite comfortable. I am happy with it.

============

BACKGROUND.

Where are you from?

I am from city, country. It is in the south of the country. 

——————

What are your parents’ jobs?

My mother is an architect and my father is a bank manager.

——————

How is your country different from this one?

Well there are some cultural differences such as our food is quite different. We are much more respectful to old people. I like the way lessons are more fun here. 

——————–

What is school like in your country?

In some ways it is quite different. We do a lot more Mathematics. We have to remember things a lot more and not explain things so much.

———————–

Where do you go to school?

I go to Ludgrove School, it in Berkshire. 

——————-

Do you have any sisters or brothers?

No, I am an only child but I am close to my cousins.

—————-

Might any of your siblings join us here at this school one day?

Well, I do not have siblings but my cousin might come here if I do. She is asking about the school. 

======================

ADMISSIONS TESTS

Which  subjects did you do in the admissions tests?

I did Non-Verbal Reasoning, Verbal Reasoning, English and Maths.

———————-

How did they go?

English went very well. It was a fun paper. Non-Verbal Reasoning was fine too: I finished early and then went back to check my answers. Verbal Reasoning was not as easy but I got through it. Maths was a little bit hard.

———————-

You have some admissions tests coming up. How do you feel about them?

I am taking them seriously but I am not worried.

======================

EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

What three words best describe you?

Hardworking, polite and well-behaved.

————

Are you musical?

Yes, I play the piano. I am grade 3 right now and I want to do more grades.

———————-

Do you like acting?

No, not really. I do Drama at my current school but I am not great at it.

——————–

What sports do you like?

I like to play rugby and I like rowing. I am scrum captain. Rugby is really fun and we won most of our matches. 

—————–

Tell me about your sporting achievements?

Yes, sure. I am scrum captain of the rugby team. We beat our rival school 78-0. I scored two tries in that match. 

—————–

What are your hobbies?

I am a voracious reader. I write stories for pleasure. I like to go camping with my family. I adore swimming in the sea. I go cycling every day. 

—————-

What do you do in your free time?

I like to read fiction. I also write some stories of my own. I like to cycle. I like to swim and socialise. I go camping with my family sometimes.

—————-

Which instruments would you like to play here?

I already play the piano but I am not that good at it. I might try the violin. 

—————

What grade are you in those instruments?

I am third grade in the violin and I have been learning it for 3 years. 

————-

Would you want to join the choir?

I would like to try, yes. 

===================

THE SCHOOL

Why do you want to come to this school?

Because this school is such an old and famous school. So many famous people have been here [names]. The teachers are fantastic and the school gets outstanding exam results. The school will give me a good chance to go to an excellent university.  The ancient buildings are beautiful and the school has got a fantastic location. That means you play a lot of matches against other schools and we can go to the theatre a lot. There is a fantastic theatre here. I know you have a half Olympic size swimming pool and amazing sports facilities. You play sports here every day. There is a brilliant orchestra and choir. Some of my friends from my school came here. I met one of your teachers last year when she gave a talk at my school and she was a very nice woman. You have a huge library and a great IT room. The school is quite international and I can make friends with people from all sorts of countries. The boarding houses are really comfortable. It is a very friendly atmosphere.

—————-

What are your favourite subjects?

 I like English and French the most. I see how the two languages help each other. 

——————

Which subjects do you find difficult?

I am not that good at Science. 

————–

What are you doing to improve in those subjects?

I take extra time over my homework. My parents have got me a tutor who comes once a week. I sometimes ask my class teacher for more guidance.

====================

CURRENT SCHOOL AND ATTITUDES?

Are you well behaved?

Yes, certainly. I always obey the rules.

—————-

Have you ever been suspended or punished?

No, never. My behaviour is excellent. 

—————-

How should pupils behave towards teachers?

Pupils should be very respectful. I am like that. I always obey teachers. Pupils must always do their homework on time and pay attention in lessons. 

——————-

Can you recognise when you have done wrong and apologise?

Yes, sure. Sometimes I am wrong and I admit it. I say sorry. 

—————–

How good are you about doing your homework?

I am pretty good at it. I almost always do it on time.

——————-

Do you like your present school? Why or why not?

 Yes, it is quite good. The teachers are mostly very good. There are lots of sports to play. But I am ready to move on to a bigger school with more things to do. 

=======================

MOVING ON TO A NEW SCHOOL

How do you feel about boarding?

I feel positive about it. It will help me mature and make really close friends. There are also more activities at boarding schools. 

————–

This school has a Christian ethos and you must attend chapel. How do you feel about that?

Yes, that is fine. Even though I am not  from a Christian family I do not mind attending chapel at all. I like the music and its educational.

—————

Do you know any pupils already in our school?

Yes, a few people who left my school last year are already there. They say it is a tremendous school.

——————

What do you know about this school?

It was founded in 1820 by Mr Baird. It is well known and some politicians and writers went here. It gets terrific exam results. There is a ski trip every Christmas. The school is really keen on Music. 

——————-

Might you want to join the CCF?

Yes, I would. It seems really fun. I want to see what the army is like.

————

How would you feel about being the only one of your nationality here?

I really like the fact that there are lots of nationalities here. I am a global citizen. 

—————–

This school is very international. Do you like that?

Yes, I do. I have been to a few other countries. I really like meeting people from other countries. 

————–

Which other schools might you apply to?

I will apply to Harrow, Uppingham and Caterham.

————

Are we your first choice?

Yes, you are my top choice!

—————

If you do not get in where will you go?

Probably I will go to Uppingham.

—————-

This is a mixed school – how do you feel about that?

I like that. It is more human. It is good to socialise with boys and girls. It prepares people for adult life. 

————–

This is a single sex school: how do you feel about that?

It is good because there is less distraction. People are freer to be themselves and not worry about what the opposite sex thinks.

——————-

Do you have any questions for me?

Yes, I do. Would it be possible to play rugby and football in the autumn term or do I pick just one?

==========================

LONG TERM FUTURE.

What do you want to do after you finish school?

I want to go on to university and study maybe English or French. I really love learning and I know that I need a degree so I can get an enjoyable and well paid job. 

——————-

What job do you want to do?

 I am not sure. It is so far away. Perhaps become a journalist but I would need to do an internship first.

=============================

CHALLENGING QUESTIONS

Who is the best teacher you have ever had?

The best teacher I ever had was Miss Jordan. She taught us English. She was very fun and really inspiring. We all liked and respected her so there was no misbehaviour. She taught me more in one week than someone else taught me in one year. Miss Jordan had a very clear way of explaining things. 

What is Brexit?

Brexit means British exit. It is about the UK leaving the European Union. Britain voted to leave in a referendum but almost half the country is against it. It might be bad for the economy but it is too early to be sure. 

What do you think of Donald Trump?

Donald Trump is a very controversial politician. He was President of the United States and he set a bad example by being rude to people and lying a lot. Some people adore him and at least he did not start any wars. 

Should we abolish homework?

No, we need to do some independent study. Plus there is not enough time to do everything in school. Sometimes we need to memorise vocabulary lists or write up science experiments and it is better to do that at home. 

If could change one thing about your school what would it be?

My school is fabulous but we could do with a larger swimming pool. So if I had enough money I would build that. It would also be brilliant if we could learn Chinese because that is a language that is becoming increasingly important. 

Tell me an interesting fact that you learnt recently?

My teacher just told us that Charles Dickens was the most popular writer in the world in his lifetime. It is surprising because Dickens’ novels are really hard to read.

Is it right for parents to select the sex of their baby?

No, it would be wrong. People should accept  their baby no matter what the sex. Girls are just as good as boys. 

If you could invent a machine what would it be able to do?

I would invent a machine that would make me be able to bring back people from the dead. I really miss my great grandmother. I would love to be with her again.

Italy is the foreign country that I like the very most. I appreciate Italy
enormously for a multiplicity of reasons. What is not to like about it?
The Italian language uses rhythmical syllables. I feel as if I were born
knowing it. If I believed in reincarnation, I would say I was Italian in a
past life. There is nothing unmelodious about it. There musicality of
Italian is always a treat. A lot of people cannot speak English there.
That pleases me because it compels me to speak Italian.
The architecture is so often handsome. The baroque style,
neoclassical and even modern architecture. You have to try really
hard to find an unbeautiful building in Italy.
There are such culinary delights in Italy. Their dishes are so flavourful
and appetising. Italian meals are well-presented. Even the crockery
and tableware are aesthetically pleasing. An Italian meal is a
multisensory feast. Italian food has just the right melange of
crunchiness, chewiness, and softness: solidity and liquidity. Italian
food is as much a tactile as a taste experience. The rich ripe flavours
explode in my mouth and leave a sumptuous aftertaste. Pasta has
such a pleasing texture, and it is accompanied by so many
scrumptious sauces. Their cheeses and breads are so tasty and
always fresh. I like olive oil but not olives themselves – they are too
pungent for my pallet. I do not care for anchovies either. Having such
a long littoral on the Tyrrhenian Sea and the Adriatic Sea it is
unsurprising that the Italians have seafood as a major component of
their diet. I do not like fish or shellfish too much, but I consume it a
little in Italy where it is hard to avoid.
There is a reason why Italian restaurants are found all over the
world. In the United Kingdom there are sometimes five Italian
restaurants on the same high street!

The Mediterranean diet is also the healthiest in the world. No
wonder the Italians live so long. They have so much to live for!
As Italians say, a day without wine is like a day without sunshine. A
sunless day in Italy is vanishingly rare. An Italian meal should be
accompanied by quaffing red wine. Italians wines are so often of
surpassing quality. Their tanins are just right. They are tangy enough
but not too tangy. They can be fruity, meaty or earthy. Italian reds
often have legs.
People in Italy are mostly good-looking people. They tend to look
after themselves. They enjoy every morsel of their food and do not
eat too much. The Italians are usually stylish, and they pay attention
to details. Italian ladies normally accessorise very well. They are
renowned for their elegance and femininity. That is why Milan is one
of the world capitals of fashion. There are many famous Italian
designers. Italy also produces the most fashionable shoes. I often
stand at shop windows, and I admire the high heels.
Another Irish people hit the nail on the head when she said Italy is a
visual culture not a verbal culture. When Italians advertise
something, they try to make it appeal to people by being stylish.
I like a bit of Italian vanity and posing. A policewoman will wear her
hair all the way down her back. A motorbike policeman will have
designer stubble, shades on at night and thrust his thumbs into his
belt loops.
The musical tradition in Italy is also fantastic. It has produced so
many outstanding composers from Antonio Vivaldi to Verdi to
Rossini to Salieri to Puccini. So many tremendous singers and
songstresses are or were Italian. A lot of singers of other nationalities
are of Italian ancestry like Frank Sinatra, Madonna, Tony Bennet,
Lady Gaga, Natalie Imbruglia and Gabriella Cilmi. The Italians are an
exceptionally multitalented people. In terms of the arts there really is

no other nation with a relatively small population that has
contributed so much to world culture. It is so a civilised country!
The landscape of Italy is also marvellous. It has so much variety
within a relatively small geographical compass. It has soaring
snowcapped Alps, green plains, arid areas, and plenty of rolling hills.
There are countless isles off the craggy coast.
Because Italy has such a long coastline so much of life is lived on the
beach. It is like Italy is a permanent party. Imagine a sunny day on
golden sands while wafted by cooling zephyr. The waves are
powerful enough to be exciting but not so strong as to be menacing.
On your jetski!
Italy’s heritage is second to none. It is impossible to exaggerate
Rome’s influence on world history. The Roman Empire, the Latin
language and the Catholic Church were all based in that city that
they once called the head of the world. Latin is the mother of at least
half a dozen other Romance languages: French, Spanish, Portuguese,
Italian, Romanian, Catalan, Valenciano, Galician, Romansch,
Provencal, Occitan, Nicois, Dauphine and so forth.
Rome itself is peerless. The Italians say of Rome, ‘’a lifetime is not
enough.’’ It is packed with marvels. There are so many splendid
churches and historical sites.
The very word romance is derived from Rome. It is a city of the most
peerless magnificence.
People cruelly quip about an Italian tank having five reverse gears or
the shortest book in the world being the book of Italian victories. As
life in Italy is so magnificent that is why Italians do not want to get
killed in wars. Their constitution says ‘’Italy rejects war.’’
The Italians are usually very laid back. I know I must be circumspect
about generalising about a nation of sixty million people. But I like
them attitudinally. Despite their very relaxed attitude things seem to

My favourite foreign country
Italy is the foreign country that I like the very most. I appreciate Italy
enormously for a multiplicity of reasons. What is not to like about it?
The Italian language uses rhythmical syllables. I feel as if I were born
knowing it. If I believed in reincarnation, I would say I was Italian in a
past life. There is nothing unmelodious about it. There musicality of
Italian is always a treat. A lot of people cannot speak English there.
That pleases me because it compels me to speak Italian.
The architecture is so often handsome. The baroque style,
neoclassical and even modern architecture. You have to try really
hard to find an unbeautiful building in Italy.
There are such culinary delights in Italy. Their dishes are so flavourful
and appetising. Italian meals are well-presented. Even the crockery
and tableware are aesthetically pleasing. An Italian meal is a
multisensory feast. Italian food has just the right melange of
crunchiness, chewiness, and softness: solidity and liquidity. Italian
food is as much a tactile as a taste experience. The rich ripe flavours
explode in my mouth and leave a sumptuous aftertaste. Pasta has
such a pleasing texture, and it is accompanied by so many
scrumptious sauces. Their cheeses and breads are so tasty and
always fresh. I like olive oil but not olives themselves – they are too
pungent for my pallet. I do not care for anchovies either. Having such
a long littoral on the Tyrrhenian Sea and the Adriatic Sea it is
unsurprising that the Italians have seafood as a major component of
their diet. I do not like fish or shellfish too much, but I consume it a
little in Italy where it is hard to avoid.
There is a reason why Italian restaurants are found all over the
world. In the United Kingdom there are sometimes five Italian
restaurants on the same high street!

The Mediterranean diet is also the healthiest in the world. No
wonder the Italians live so long. They have so much to live for!
As Italians say, a day without wine is like a day without sunshine. A
sunless day in Italy is vanishingly rare. An Italian meal should be
accompanied by quaffing red wine. Italians wines are so often of
surpassing quality. Their tanins are just right. They are tangy enough
but not too tangy. They can be fruity, meaty or earthy. Italian reds
often have legs.
People in Italy are mostly good-looking people. They tend to look
after themselves. They enjoy every morsel of their food and do not
eat too much. The Italians are usually stylish, and they pay attention
to details. Italian ladies normally accessorise very well. They are
renowned for their elegance and femininity. That is why Milan is one
of the world capitals of fashion. There are many famous Italian
designers. Italy also produces the most fashionable shoes. I often
stand at shop windows, and I admire the high heels.
Another Irish people hit the nail on the head when she said Italy is a
visual culture not a verbal culture. When Italians advertise
something, they try to make it appeal to people by being stylish.
I like a bit of Italian vanity and posing. A policewoman will wear her
hair all the way down her back. A motorbike policeman will have
designer stubble, shades on at night and thrust his thumbs into his
belt loops.
The musical tradition in Italy is also fantastic. It has produced so
many outstanding composers from Antonio Vivaldi to Verdi to
Rossini to Salieri to Puccini. So many tremendous singers and
songstresses are or were Italian. A lot of singers of other nationalities
are of Italian ancestry like Frank Sinatra, Madonna, Tony Bennet,
Lady Gaga, Natalie Imbruglia and Gabriella Cilmi. The Italians are an
exceptionally multitalented people. In terms of the arts there really is

no other nation with a relatively small population that has
contributed so much to world culture. It is so a civilised country!
The landscape of Italy is also marvellous. It has so much variety
within a relatively small geographical compass. It has soaring
snowcapped Alps, green plains, arid areas, and plenty of rolling hills.
There are countless isles off the craggy coast.
Because Italy has such a long coastline so much of life is lived on the
beach. It is like Italy is a permanent party. Imagine a sunny day on
golden sands while wafted by cooling zephyr. The waves are
powerful enough to be exciting but not so strong as to be menacing.
On your jetski!
Italy’s heritage is second to none. It is impossible to exaggerate
Rome’s influence on world history. The Roman Empire, the Latin
language and the Catholic Church were all based in that city that
they once called the head of the world. Latin is the mother of at least
half a dozen other Romance languages: French, Spanish, Portuguese,
Italian, Romanian, Catalan, Valenciano, Galician, Romansch,
Provencal, Occitan, Nicois, Dauphine and so forth.
Rome itself is peerless. The Italians say of Rome, ‘’a lifetime is not
enough.’’ It is packed with marvels. There are so many splendid
churches and historical sites.
The very word romance is derived from Rome. It is a city of the most
peerless magnificence.
People cruelly quip about an Italian tank having five reverse gears or
the shortest book in the world being the book of Italian victories. As
life in Italy is so magnificent that is why Italians do not want to get
killed in wars. Their constitution says ‘’Italy rejects war.’’
The Italians are usually very laid back. I know I must be circumspect
about generalising about a nation of sixty million people. But I like
them attitudinally. Despite their very relaxed attitude things seem to

work. There is none of the dysfunctionality that mars less happier
lands.
Such an unstressy nation I never met. Regulations can be ignored. No
jobsworths for them.
I have met countless Italians. There are mostly very amicable and
courteous. I have worked with lots of Italians too and the majority of
them were bonhomous.
In Italy they call people boy and girl unless these people are blatantly
elderly. People are called boy and girl well into their 40s. It like the
youthful outlook that it signifies.
The highest rate of tattooing in the world is in Italy. It suggests that
they are daring and fun people.
Public transport in Italy goes everywhere. It is also very cheap.
Of course, Italy is imperfect. There is the occasional bad person.
Some towns are shabby and need a few repairs. Italy is not the most
affordable country in the world.
I must admit it. I am a raving Italophile!
Italy is derived from the Greek word italos meaning bull. But they eat
rather little beef. It is most curious I know.

work. There is none of the dysfunctionality that mars less happier
lands.
Such an unstressy nation I never met. Regulations can be ignored. No
jobsworths for them.
I have met countless Italians. There are mostly very amicable and
courteous. I have worked with lots of Italians too and the majority of
them were bonhomous.
In Italy they call people boy and girl unless these people are blatantly
elderly. People are called boy and girl well into their 40s. It like the
youthful outlook that it signifies.
The highest rate of tattooing in the world is in Italy. It suggests that
they are daring and fun people.
Public transport in Italy goes everywhere. It is also very cheap.
Of course, Italy is imperfect. There is the occasional bad person.
Some towns are shabby and need a few repairs. Italy is not the most
affordable country in the world.
I must admit it. I am a raving Italophile!
Italy is derived from the Greek word italos meaning bull. But they eat
rather little beef. It is most curious I know.

Hello. It is Ayomide Akintunde here. I have just been
enthroned as the bishop of Benin City.

I remember you from your time in church house in the 1980s.

I remember you mother was Irish. No, she was Scotch. Like
the whisky?
In Africa we are very much liking the Irishman because he is
making the black beer for the black man. Tell me David have
you ever tasted Guinness? Are you still having a problem with
the Paddies?

In Nigeria the Muslims are the bad boys. You are having a
problems with the Muslims in England.

I am coming to England, and I hope we can meet.

Do you accept the Lord as your personal saviour?
Then I embrace you as my brother in Christ Jesus.

Let’s meet for tea at the Randolph Hotel. I am on expenses I
will pay. I will pick up the tab.

David, I want you to come out to Nigeria to lead a moral
crusade against sodomy.

David how many children you have? David, you have no
children. Does not the good book so go forth be fruitful and
multiply?
How old is your wife. David you are not married. This is not
good.
I will set you up with my cousin. We are very wearied she be
left on the shelf because now she is 12 years old.
Me and my goodwife Winnifred are a fecund couple. The
almighty in his infinite wisdom has seen fit to bless us with a
brood of a baker’s dozen of children. We shall be happy to
accept as many children as the good lord shall see fit to
bestow upon us.

We have two eldest girls who are of marriageable age
Chastity and Virginity. We got the other girls Gertrude,
Patience, Dorothy, Charity, Verity and Prudence.

We got a few boys: the eldest are Israel and then there is
Englishman. We got the little ones Methusaleh, Jehoshaphat,
Shadrach, and Josiah.

I take the 5th commandment very seriously. Thou shalt not
commit adultery. A man and his wife are one flesh. I never
ever cheat on my wife or on my mistress.

As a good Christian man I have to have concubines because
King David the Prince of Divines had hundreds of concubines.
He was the psalmist.

I know you said you are a good friend of Mrs. Queen. I want
you to tell Mrs. Queen that we in Nigeria are absolutely loyal
to Her Britannic Majesty.

Next time you meet Her Gracious Majesty, please assure her
of my personal allegiance to her most exalted person. I saw
the footage of her coronation in Westminster Abbey. I saw
her take the coronation on the holy Bible to uphold the
Christian faith and to defend the protestant settlement of the
church of England.

Mrs. Queen is the lord’s anointed. We believe in the divine
right of kings.

All the paramount chiefs of Nigeria swore the oath of
allegiance to Her Majesty. They swore on the Holy Bible.
Therefore, that is binding forever. I do not believe in the

REPUBLIC of Nigeria it is a bastard state. I believe in the
Crown Colony of Nigeria.
David next time Mrs. Queen visits you at home please ask her
to send us a new governor general to Nigeria. We want a
white man and not a Pakistani. I am working for the
restoration of colonial rule in British Africa.

I am in the Anglican Church of Nigeria. We are in full
communion with the church of England. We are represented
at the Lambeth palace conference. But tell me David why you
let the poofters in? In Nigeria we allow no poofters? Why are
you allowing sodomite marriage. It is unbiblical. The bible is
the word of God. I believe in it literally every single word. I
believe in verbal inerrancy.
David you will come to Nigeria.

I want you to join my new evangelistic mission. It is called
towers of praise.
David, I know you are a good orator. I saw you debate at the
Cambridges Union.

David you will live the life of a 19 th century vicar. You will be
driver around by a chauffeur in a Bentley. You will live in an
8-bedroom vicarage, you are prince of the church. You must
be treated as befits the dignity of a man of the cloth.

The aims of the towers of praise mission are twofold;

To love and serve our lord and saviour.
The acquisition of property in Nigeria and overseas
There is a vast amount of money to be made in the service of
the lord!

When the three kings came to Baby Jesus to shown they
loved him they brought him gold. If you love Jesus then bring
me gold.
David what you are doing now in your career, are you a
bishop yet?
Oh you retired on health grounds at the age of 41 and you
want to come out to west Africa – the white man’s grave?

David my other role is witchfinder general of Nigeria. There
are an awful lot of sorcerers around these days. That is why I
go witch hunting. We smell them out. For some reason the
witches are always the socially marginalised groups. They are
demented old women or street children. They seem very
witchy to me.